Grace That Pardons

I've been sitting here staring at the blinking cursor for the last hour or so. Granted, it was interspersed with a recorded episode of State of Affairs...but still. Blink, blink, blink. Tapping fingernails. What to write?

There are so many things this week that have snagged my attention for some reason or another.

Meanness.

Messiness.

New Chapters.

Doubt.

Sick Kiddos.

Answers.

Renewed faith.

More sick kiddos.

That's quite a list... yet still, I am unable (or perhaps unwilling) to pick one, and run with it.

As I read through it again, the one word resonating in my heart is grace. Grace. Grace extended. Grace received.

I could return meanness with meanness. No, seriously. I'm good at it. It is a special skill that I have finely crafted over many years. It is no doubt tempting. Some person who name-called, or called my intentions into question for no other reason than to alter someone's perception of me to suit her own purposes. I want to be mean. I'm mean in my head, as I play out potential come-backs and conversations that could take place. I know that it is a heart problem. Just the fact that I can play out the meanness in my head means my heart is not where it should be. I hear my kindergartener's voice reciting his scripture verses he's learned at school, "Keep your tongue from evil," and I'm reminded, not so gently, of how many times my tongue has been left unguarded. I extend some grace. I keep my mouth shut. Oh, so difficult for me.

Messy. Messy hearts, messy houses, messy minds. Messy kids, messy closets... dear Lord, please create in me a clean heart. Continue to extend that grace to me and all of my mess.

I'm thinking about how much we've relied on God and trusted in His goodness over the last two years, especially. I'm also pondering how it takes one little fraction of a millisecond to determine that things not happening in the time-frame we'd like them to causes that ugly doubt to raise its head. How quick we are to try to insert ourselves into a position of control. How dare we waver with uncertainty after all that we've seen? And because He is so good... more grace comes flooding in. We get answers to questions we're struggling with. We get reminders of where we've been. People are put in our paths who can testify to something amazing that He's done. The healing of an unborn child. The healing of a child whom doctors had thought was beyond hope. A renewed health after an organ transplant. A relationship saved because of a loving response. Grace.


It is bigger than my meanness. More than my fears or doubts. It can cleanse all the yuck. Clemency for so much gunk with so little return...

Let me somehow learn to extend it as willingly and as often as it has been extended to me.

Grace.