The Week of The Reset (Or, 'I Pulled My Armpit Muscle Taking Off My Bra")

Today was to be my reset. My 'Oh my word, I've gained more weight in the last 2 weeks than I lost in 6 months, stop drinking so much soda and eating so many M&Ms, get your hind end to the gym, and RESET."

Is it age? Is it exhaustion? Is it thyroid? Nope. It's that I really, really like food. I really, really like chocolate, and I adore Coke with a twist of lemon, and let's not forget the gloriousness that is an ice cold Mt. Dew.

I bought new running shoes on Saturday, and was so excited to put them on and go for an honest run. Not a treadmill run, but a trail run, complete with headphones and quiet time, maybe some wild animals (let's skip the coyotes, though, okay?) and some good, old-fashioned sweat.

Saturday night, after a rousing bout of trivia with friends, I came home and was getting comfortable. By comfortable, I mean I was letting the girls loose. I think, as ladies, we can all agree with the sense of freedom that accompanies that point in the day when we can take off our bras and just relax, am I right? Well, I can attest that relaxed is not what I felt. One arm out of a strap, and a sharp cramp hit the muscle in my right armpit. That's correct, folks. This girl's body is so smokin' that the very pit of it catches on fire while removing an item of clothing.

Yesterday, I popped out of bed to grab something out of the bathroom, and my tailbone felt like it just popped out of place. It nearly sent me to the floor. Then later, as I was walking (not running, not doing some kind of jig, not performing a Michael Flatley routine) my left knee just went out. Now, every step I take coincides with this tweaky ligament pulling thing that makes each step feel like a marathon.

Today, my reset day, left quite a bit to be desired. No Butts & Gutz class this morning, no Zumba tonight, no trail run... but there was definitely some Peanut Butter M&Ms, Coca-Cola Life, some cheese and crackers. Sigh. Zero self-control. I have zero self-control.

Maybe tomorrow can be my reset day. You know, after the deluge of food I will inhale at MOPS, and the Minsky's that I will chase down the MOPS food with... maybe then I can start all over. You don't know.

For now, there's the remnants of a giant bag of Peanut Butter M&Ms calling my name. I'm answering them. Just today. Tomorrow is reset. I mean Wednesday. Wednesday is totally reset day.

New Things

Apparently, my fitness level is equivalent to that of a ninety year old hippopotamus. I thought that running (even though I had gotten off track during the holidays) and some periodic free weights was at least sufficient to get me through one fitness class at my gym. I was mistaken. I wasn't just a little wrong, either. I was perfectly, totally, and completely incorrect.

My good friend suggested that we take a "Butts & Gutz" class at our local community center. Fun, right? Within 10 minutes of the class starting, I knew that I was ill-prepared for what was occurring. Squat repeatedly while holding weights you say? Faster? Sorry, but I've clearly been mistaken for one who actually possesses functional quadriceps. I am not.

Fifty minutes of somewhat keeping up with the instructor (and I use the term 'somewhat' VERY loosely) and I was pretty convinced that my death was imminent. As I headed down the steps to the locker room, my Jell-O legs were barely able to make it from stair to stair. I was tempted to sit down and scoot, and I may have actually tried to do such a thing, had it not been for the fact that I wasn't certain I would be able to get from the bottom step to an upright position without assistance.

The following day I could barely get out of bed. Walking around seemed to help, at least until I paused for any length of time. Sitting in a chair? Ha! To all appearances, you should be able to lower yourself in a chair rather easily. If, however, your quads, hamstrings, AND glutes are all rebelling against you, sitting should be avoided.

We are now at two days out, and the same good friend and I had the audacity to go to a Pilates class and then follow that up with a short run. My muscles were a little more loose, and that lasted for exactly 2 minutes post-run. In the mean time, I nearly rolled myself into a concussion on the large exercise ball, and laughed so hard attempting to do 'push-ups' with the ball underneath my hips that I could hardly even stay on the crazy thing. Entertaining, for sure. I'm pretty sure I made the other first-timers in class look totally fantastic... so you're welcome, ladies!

Perhaps we may try for a little Yoga Flow class tomorrow night. We shall see. I'll bet I'll make the people in that class look like the coolest, most Zen people on the planet.

My hope is that one day, my quadriceps may actually function. Perhaps I'll even have a couple of working hamstrings. You can't be too sure about these things, but I'm hopeful all the same.

Now if it's all the same to you, I think I need a nap.